WANTED: DAMIAN WAYNE, CHILD TERROR
by Jedi-Master-Nightwing
Summary: "You won't believe what just happened...!" "Oh yes I can." The reasons shown in Damian Wayne's narrations continue to prove that Dick and Bruce should never let Dami out of the Manor. EVER. Running from cops, blowing up drug stores, and seeing the Joker in the rest room are just a part of the fun! /Humor fic, some OOCness and language/
1. Murder Part I

**Warning: some OOCness (which means character's personalities may be a bit stray from the normal canon), and language**

**A/N: So, this was originally gonna be a one-shot, but I decided to spread the story out a bit. Once again, Damian may be a bit OOC, but I hope not too much. This is an attempt at humor, so here we go.**

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"Grayson! Grayson! GRAYSON…"

The shrill, panicked voice of a twelve-year-old rang through the halls of Wayne Manor, immediately reaching the ears of Dick Grayson. The young man nearly fell backwards off the bar stool he had been perched on in the kitchen as the owner of the cries entered full speed into the kitchen. Face flushed, eyes uncharacteristically wide with a strange amount of anxiety and panic, Damian Wayne slid to a cattle-pony stop in front of his adopted brother, clearly out of breath.

"Whoa, Dami, settle down." Dick suppressed a smile, which became easier when he noticed the worry laced in the younger boy's expression. "What's wrong?"

"You've got to help me, before Father comes home." The words came out in a quick flurry, and Dick straightened with anxiety as he realized just how strange his brother was acting, the child's usual sarcasm and arrogance having disappeared as if by magic. "What's going on…"

"I'm wanted for murder!"

…

Dick blinked, frowning deeply. It had been two years since the son of Bruce Wayne (Batman) took on the mantle as Robin, and everyone had been reassured with the fact that it seemed Damian had given up his former, violent ways in hopes of a more reasonable approach. Apparently, not. "H-How?! Dami, why were you even out in costume during the day…"

"I wasn't!"

_Oh no_. "What…"

"Just let me explain!" In a matter of ten seconds, Damian pulled over a stool and jumped onto it. Dick forced down growing impatience and decided to let the little Wayne tell his story.

"Okay," he started. "I was on my way back from the drug store, and I'd just purchased some of those delightful delicacies you call candy, and that's when I noticed the crowd.

It seemed strange that such a large gathering would occur during the rush hour, so I went over to investigate. It turned out that the mayor was having some sort of meeting thingy. He'd been speaking on a stage, and then he was walking through the crowd with his guards. He was shaking peoples hands and such.

So I was watching near the end of the whole crowd, when he was side by side me. Then, the clumsy oaf swung his hand straight into my face, nearly breaking my nose. He didn't even apologize, just kept on walking, and then I said some things."

Dick quirked an eyebrow, a dead feeling pooling in his gut. "What things?"

"… Not very polite things. I mean, they weren't too bad, but they were enough to make the body guards turn around just like the Flash and approach me angrily…"

"What THINGS, Dami?"

Damian shifted on his seat uncomfortably. "It could've been any number of things? 'You stupid, irrational fool', or 'Are you just gonna walk away, you...', um, I'd better not finish that one. Oh, and… uh… there may have been some death threats…"

"Oh god, Dami…"

"Hey, it wasn't my fault! Even after the guards threw me out of the rally, he didn't apologize! Anyway, I ended up wandering around the park for a while, you know, just blowing off steam by chucking rocks into that stupid pond. After a half hour, I may or may not have started feeling guilty…"

Dick couldn't help feel a bit relieved that the miniature assassin was clearly gaining a better conscious then formerly.

"…yeah, okay, I felt bad about what I said. Mention this to Todd or Drake and I will put you in a body cast for months. Anyway, I felt like I should, I dunno, maybe, um, I thought I should apologize." He scowled but went on. "I swear, Grayson, you're making me soft. Or it was the unhealthy yet invigorating nutrients in the delicacies, I dunno. But I felt I should apologize to the moron, get things cleared up. Let's say I did it for Father's reputation.

So, I went to his office, but his secretary told me he left already. So I went to his mansion. But his dumb guards wouldn't let me in. So, I snuck through a window…"

"What?! Dami, are you crazy?!"

Damian grimaced. "It gets worse.

So, I snuck through a window – security was a piece of cake to crack. And I was doing it for a good cause, right? Thought I'd make Father pleased or whatever. So I snuck through, but I ended up cutting some of my gloves on the red lasers set up in the hall. So I took them off.

And that's when I saw the mayor's door cracked open. I thought, 'okay, that's kinda weird', so being a good citizen, I went to go check it out. And that's when I saw the blood."

Dick froze. "Blood?"

"Lots of it. All over the place. On the walls, on the rugs, the desk, the window…"

"What happened, Dami?!"

"The mayor was killed! And I swear, Grayson, it wasn't me! He was already dead, and he was lying on the ground, and there was this sword in 'im.

And, you know what? The sword looked JUST like the ones I have in my room, and the one Mother trained me with, you know? It was so weird, and I was kind of being stupid and all that. So I walked over and just, you know, picked it up to make sure it wasn't actually MINE." At this point, Damian was giving nervous laughs. "Turns out, it wasn't! But, uh, see, I forgot I didn't have any gloves…"

"Oh my god…"

"Shut up and let me finish! So, I wasn't wearing any gloves, and this was bad. So I grabbed some tissues to wipe off my prints, and knocked over a vase. It shattered, and I tried to clean it up, but then I slipped on that guys BLOOD and I fell in the stuff. Gross. And as I got back up I slipped forward and hit the desk again, and this time a plant went flying.

So yeah, by this time, the place is a complete disaster, and I'm trying to clean it up and I'm thinking 'oh god, this is bad, this is bad, this is bad'. And that's when I saw the _security cameras_, which…" Another strangled chuckle. "…taped EVERYTHING! Or at least, the parts where I was holding the sword and slipping in the dead body's blood and all that stuff.

That's when the COPS showed up."

"…"

"Yeah, so, the cops came. They told me to freeze, and I obeyed! I did! They came forward, and one of them grabbed my wrists. And Grayson, they were trying to HANDCUFF me! Like that would work! And something just ticked off in my head, I don't know what, and I ducked and darted under his legs. And see, his gun was just hanging there loosely in his holster – they really should secure those more because a two-year-old could get his grubby little hands on those things. So, some survival drive was controlling me by then, and I grabbed his gun, and I just started backing up, backing up…

…um…

I mean, come on! Why'd that other cop have to pull out HIS gun?! Cause, man, that got me all nervous!

So he pulled out his gun, and I was just panicking, man. My mind was blank and my fingers starting doing all these weird twitchy movements that they do when I was nervous and I didn't look at where I was pointing that stupid thing I was just FREAKING OUT…"

"Damian, you shot a cop?!"

"Did I say there was only one other cop there? Because that's wrong."

A deep part of Dick told him to get up and walk away, right then and there, but some strangled manner of curiosity kept him focused on the boy before him. "…Why? How many were there?" He was afraid to wonder.

Damian's silence sent his heart skipping. "Five?"

"…"

"Ten?"

"…"

"Damian?!"

"There was only twenty! Okay?! Twenty showed up after the, um, after the first shots were fired. But I didn't kill anyone! I got him in the knee, and even that was an accident!

So, after that cop went down, I just turned around and RAN. I bolted out of there so fast, oh my god, and I may or may not have knocked down some maids and one of them fell down the stairs – I'm sure she's okay! And there's shouting and more gunshots and I'm on auto-pilot now, man! I run down there and I bolt out a window and I'm running down some alleys with blood and probably half of GPD breathing down my neck.

And then I see this guy in an alley, and he's got TWO of those swords that look like mine! He looks like a freaking ninja, Grayson, I'm telling you! And I just knew that he was the guy who killed the mayor, so I chased him, thinking I could get him to confess and all that good stuff. We ran and tussled, and he ended up running for a warehouse off the edge of Gotham."

"You stayed out of sight, right?"

"…"

_Oh no, this story isn't getting any better…_

"I didn't stay hidden, okay?! I thought I could take them all!"

"So what, you just ran in there, grabbed a sword, and started cutting through them?"

"No…"

"Oh, thank god."

"…no, see, I still had the GUN."

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**Wanna here the rest of Damian Wayne's story? Comment and leave a review (though haters will be locked in a room with the Joker). Constructive criticism is welcome, and favorites/follows don't do any damage either! **

**A/N 2: For those of you following my story ****_Blink of an Eye_****, updates will be posted soon! All those in my "Star Wars" fandom, thank you for being so patient for updates, I'm working on those as well. **

**A/N 3: FOR TEEN TITANS FANS - If you all are a fan of the TV animated series "Teen Titans" and are in the mood for an adventurous fanfiction, then check out the story ****_Teen Titans: Annual Super Hero Assessments_****, written by Appel Bougher. Read about how Dick Grayson was adopted by Bruce Wayne, trained, and took on the mantel as Robin, then he must compete in a month long challenge to prove he is worthy of being a superhero in the TASA's. **


	2. Murder Part II

Oh no, this story isn't getting any better…

_"__I didn't stay hidden, okay?! I thought I could take them all!"_

_"__So what, you just ran in there, grabbed a sword, and started cutting through them?"_

_"__No…"_

_"__Oh, thank god."_

_"…__see, I still had the GUN."_

"Damn it, Dami!"

"Shut up already so I can finish explaining! I still had the gun, and these morons were thinking they were bulletproof, and I told them to stop but they didn't so I did that thing where I just go blind and start twitching my finger and, um, well, those ones ARE dead. And I know, I shouldn't have, but Grayson…"

"Damian, how could you possibly be so…?!"

"I know, I know, okay?! It was dumb, and wrong, and now I can't have the confession I needed! Well, actually, I got the murderer to say something out loud just as the police showed up."

"Did they hear him confess?"

"Yes."

"And they believed you…"

"Nope.

They actually pulled out there guns again, and, c'mon! That got me all nervous again!

So, once again, they fired so I fired and we're all firing like a bunch of drunk cowboys and everything's going completely crazy and then I end up running out of bullets."

"Good…"

"THAT'S when I grabbed the sword."

A groan.

"So there I was, deflecting bullets with a sword while those cops just keeping shooting and shooting like it was some sort of contest, and… oh, yeah! Grayson, there was this huge cop, fat as hell I'm telling you, and he's huffing and puffing as he pulls the trigger, it was actually kind of funny. But then, they started getting the upper hand and it wasn't so funny anymore so I ran for cover and there was this manhole thingy so I jumped down it and that's why I smell like this. And they all followed me down there and we're running and splashing and guess what?! Fat cop gets stuck in the manhole!

So, he's plugging that thing up and I'm starting to think maybe I shouldn't have gone to the drug store today. And I'm shaking all over and everything's pitch black down there and I say to myself 'Damian, this all ends. Right now'. So I put the sword down, I hold up my hands and I get ready to surrender.

But, see, it's so dark down there that the cops don't see I've surrendered and they've still got those guns out. And I know they're gonna have to see me in order to believe I'm done so I light a match.

Oh my god, that was the worse idea EVER!"

"I'm afraid to ask what happened."

"It went everywhere! I'm telling you Grayson, that thing lit up so bad! See, the sewer was already filled with this gassy stuff but it didn't help that Fat Cop's lower end was stuffed down there and he started getting all panicky and his body was obviously rebelling…"

"Damian!"

"…So yeah, we're all down there, sparks everywhere, and I'm choking and gagging and I just start running, man! I tear through there until I finally find another opening. I climb the ladder and burst back into fresh air and then I scream 'FREEDOM!' at the top of my lungs. Yeah…

How was I supposed to know it was the Joker's lair?!

The crazy clown is sitting there, on the toilet. The toilet! It was horrifying, and he screamed, so I screamed, and we're all screaming, and I jump to my feet and grab my weapons while he's still screaming. And we're screaming, and screaming, and screaming…"

"Damian!"

"Okay, yeah, so after we finally finished screaming the other cops crawl up and then THEY start screaming. And the cycle continues until I finally just got the hell out of there. I bolt from that stupid rest room, and whataya know! I find myself standing in the middle of a bunch of clown dudes!

I really didn't want to deal with anymore shit, so I decided to back away, and let the cops and goons hack it out. I back up like a good little boy – aren't ya proud? – and tell myself just wait. Just wait it out. Just wait it out.

And that's when the grenade fell at my feet.

I'm telling ya, Grayson, I picked that thing up and I was all ready to throw it right into the middle of the firefight the cops and goons were in. I really was prepared; but then I stopped myself, held a finger in the air, and told myself, 'No. Not what Batman would do. Not what Batman would do'. I took a deep breath, and hurled the thing AWAY from the others, feeling really good that I restrained myself. See, I was completely oblivious to those gasoline cans over there…

So, anyways, I threw the grenade and then I just ran because I decided all this stress of doing the right thing was getting too much. So I ran, right back out into the alley, and was just about a block away when BAM! Everything goes completely boom as the warehouse explodes!

…

I'm pretty sure the Joker did it."

Dick just stared at the boy in complete, utter shock as Damian finally let his arms go limp at his sides after frantically waving them around, animating his horrific story. After a few minutes of intense silence, Dick shook his head. "Y-You know, Dami, I hear that normal kids come back from school and tell their families about all the cool PICTURES they drew in class…"

Suddenly, Damian had thrown himself on top of the young man, fingernails catching a death grip on the collar of his shirt as he stared frantically up at him. "You've got to help me, Grayson," he exaggerated, voice hoarse and full of panic. "I came straight here because I know I'm gonna die if Father finds out. Help me, Grayson, HELP ME! _I think there's something WRONG WITH ME_!"

Dick stared down at him and then exhaled sharply, pinching the bridge of his nose. _You've got that right, kid…_

**TWO WEEKS LATER**

The voice of Vicki Vale, News 8 reporter, blared through the television's speakers. _"…and in a recent court case, it had been revealed that all charges have been dropped on the Wayne case, in which billionaire Bruce Wayne's son, Damian, was accused of having been involved in a few mass shootouts as well as the murder of the mayor AND the warehouse explosion two weeks ago. However, lack of evidence has been the cause of the young man's newly announced innocence; as well as the involvement of the Batman, Robin, and Bludhaven's Nightwing, where all three gathered enough proof to show that the League of Shadows is to blame for all this mayhem, and leaving the small Wayne to walk free_…"

"Oh, thank god all this is over." Bruce Wayne allowed himself to sink further into the leather sofa, running a hand over the exhausted lines stretched over his face. Beside him, Dick managed a shaky smirk.

"At least the little devil's learned his lesson," he said slowly, knowing full well any mention of Damian would send his adoptive father into another fit. Things in the Manor hadn't been… PLEASANT, to say the least, when Bruce Wayne was interrupted during a meeting because the SWAT team was surrounding his mansion and screaming for his twelve-year-old to come out UNARMED.

"I swear, I don't know what to do with that boy."

"He'll come around," Dick said, sounding a little more sure of himself this time. "At least he didn't seem to willingly cause all this, and he came to me for help. That's something. I'm telling you, the mini demon was on his HANDS AND KNEES begging for me to save him from judgment day…"

"Grayson! GRAYSON! GRAAAAAAAYSOOOOON!"

"Oh _SHIT._" The curse escaped both men's lips simultaneously.

And into the living room bounded Damian Wayne, panting, flushed, and soaked from head to toe. He immediately raced for his brother and father and stood in front of them, eyes holding a seemingly maniacal gleam in them. "You will NEVER believe what just happened…"

"Oh yes I can," Dick choked out, wincing already. "What the hell…"

"I was on my way back to that drug store," was the blurted interruption. "And even though I was worried something else would happen, I went anyway because, see, I had JASON TODD with me this time…"

"Oh God, kill me right now…"

"Listen to me!"

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**All right, so don't stop reading just yet, because the final chapter of this will be posted tomorrow! :D**

**Yes, mega OOCness here, but hey! This was written just for fun, so I don't really care! Comment and leave a review! :D**


	3. Murder Part III

**PLEASE READ AUTHOR'S NOTE AT THE END**

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_And into the living room bounded Damian Wayne, panting, flushed, and soaked from head to toe. He immediately raced for his brother and father and stood in front of them, eyes holding a seemingly maniacal gleam in them. "You will NEVER believe what just happened…"_

_"__Oh yes I can," Dick choked out, wincing already. "What the hell…"_

_"__I was on my way back to that drug store," was the blurted interruption. "And even though I was worried something else would happen, I went anyway because, see, I had JASON TODD with me this time…"_

_"__Oh God, kill me right now…"_

_"__Listen to me!"_

"Alright," Bruce said, voice eerily low and smooth. "Tell us what happened."

Damian nodded vigorously, chewing on his lower lip. "So, like I said, I met up with Todd and we both walked into the drug store together, cause he wants to stock up on booze and I needed more of those sweet delicacies. So we walk in there, and whataya know?! There's a robbery in progress! As soon as he walk through the door, we're all shoved to the ground and the doors locked and sealed up. And then one of the two masked dudes start screaming for money from the cashier, this old lady with a nest for a hairdo.

Now see, while all this is going on, Todd and I are crouched behind the baked goods shelf and I think to myself, 'These people are in trouble! I have to save these people! That's what Batman would do!' And then I see that Todd has managed to grab a bottle of whisky during the hustle, and I take that and then I rip some of my shirt, throw open that bottle and stuff a rag inside. See where I'm going with this?"

"I…"

"Anyway, I make myself a decent size cocktail bomb and I still have those matches in my pocket, you know, the ones I use for emergencies like being stuck in a sewer with a bunch of angry cops? So I light my beauty up and get ready to throw in at the robbers but see, my arms too short and I was afraid to miss so I hand it to Todd and he throws it and oh my god he just totally misses and the thing ends of sailing into radiator and WHAMO! There are flames everywhere and the robbers are screaming at the top of their lungs and then bullets are everywhere!

See, and all this caused the sprinkler systems to go off but then the bullets knock the caps off and then the whole place starts flooding like that story of Noah's ark and we're all soaked and even the robbers are starting to panic. Todd and I have climbed one of the shelves, and the whole place is flooded up to my waist by now!

And then, I squint my eyes, and I see this little boy, maybe four or five, and it looks like he's just about to drown. And I say to myself, 'Batman would save that dear lamb.' So I look around and I find one of the wire cord thingys, you know, the one that you use to start someone's heart up? And I throw that to him and I yell 'Catch!' and that imbecile doesn't even acknowledge me and the thing whacks him on the head and WHAMO! He's out!

By now the cops have shown up and they're breaking through the windows and then EVERYTHING JUST floods out of there, good god, you should've seen it! It was like tipping over a fish tank, water came out and people gasping and hacking. Luckily, I'm still with Todd and we're thinking this may be a bad situation. So we decide to leave.

So, we're sneaking around the back alley, and we're almost home free when guess who shows up? Fat Cop!

That guy starts coming after us with gusto, and he brings some pals along. And I duck behind a dumpster and I scream for Todd's help but that imbecile is flirting with some nurse so I start running in the opposite direction.

I couldn't believe it, but suddenly, Fat Cop had grabbed my shoulder. And, see, I didn't want to hurt him, but I have this Robin instinct, you see, and he sorta got flipped over my shoulder. And that's when my RA'S AL GHUL instincts began appearing, and I ended up jumping on him and squishing him into the ground.

That's when I realize I'm in a pretty bad situation here. Fat Cop is unconscious on the ground, Todd's still flirting, the cops are all worked up. So I look for the closest exit: the sewers! Again! So I jump in there and the first thing I do is get rid of ALL my matches! Gone! All of 'em! Dump 'em all out of my pockets. And then I made it all the way here and that's what happened yeah."

Dick and Bruce sat, dumbfounded on the sofa, before Damian finally rolled his eyes and shrugged. "Alright, while you two sit there and allow your brains to slowly process this information, I'm going to shower."

More silence.

And that's when 'Todd' ran through the door, grinning and holding a piece of paper. "Dudes, I got a number!"

Dick promptly 'ate' that number.

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**Alright, so that wraps up this story! Well, actually, there may be one other chapter coming to this one, we'll see, because I'm working on other stories.**

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**AUTHOR'S NOTE CONCERNING DARK KNIGHT/BATMAN CROSSOVER**

_**Alright, I'm planning a Dark Knight Trilogy/Batman crossover - informing you guy for 2 reasons. 1: Crossovers don't get many views. 2: I need help with the initial plot.**_

_**So, the story is going to take off three months after the Dark Knight Rises; and ignoring the new Superman vs. Batman movie coming out next year. I've worked out how to include character John Blake, Bruce Wayne, and TADA! Richard Grayson! And it's a pretty good plot, really! The part I need help with is I need a villain group or a crime plot so bad that Bruce needs to hire Blake and Grayson to help him. I'm not too good devising villainous propaganda, so if you want to help, leave a GUEST review with your ideas and our username (if you have an account here). Purpose for the GUEST REVIEW is so the plotline, if I use it, is not spoiled for the readers. **_

_**Ok, that's about it. Thx for reading :)**_


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